An invitation to express your unique personality at the office, provided that personality is highly compliant, ceaselessly cheerful, and entirely focused on quarterly targets.
What they actually mean
"Please do not mention your existential dread during the Monday morning stand-up."
Heard in the wild
"We really encourage everyone here to bring their whole self to work."
A theoretically flexible working window during which employees must be contactable, which inexplicably expands to cover their entire waking lives.
"Our core hours are ten to four, but most of the team finds it easier to stay until seven."
Translation
"If you leave at 4:00 PM, people will assume you have resigned."
The bureaucratic process of meticulously documenting an employee’s minor slip-ups to ensure the company is legally bulletproof when they are finally shown the door.
We've decided it's time to performance manage Gerald to help him realign with our expectations.
Translation
We are currently building a paper trail so we can fire you without being sued.
The strategic withdrawal of career development, feedback, and interesting assignments in the hope that an employee will eventually take the hint and resign.
We’ve decided to help Dave transition naturally by moving his desk to the basement and removing him from the Friday lunch order.
Translation
We lack the courage to dismiss you, so we are going to ignore you until you leave.