Finance502
Cost optimisation
Redundancies, but with a slide deck and a line about 'shaping the organisation for growth'.
"We're entering a cost optimisation phase." Update your CV.
Translation
Layoffs.
Section
Finance
Spreadsheet scripture and EBITDA rituals.
24 entries
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Finance298
Run rate
One good month multiplied by twelve and presented to the board as destiny.
"On a run-rate basis we're a £12m business." You are not.
Translation
Annualised wishful thinking.
Finance232
One-off
An exceptional cost that has appeared, exceptionally, in each of the last eleven quarters.
"Adjusted for one-offs, margins are healthy."
Translation
Please ignore this recurring problem.
Finance154
Haircut
A reduction in value described casually, as though it grows back.
"We took a small haircut on the valuation." It was 40%.
Translation
A loss with better PR.
Finance84
Efficiencies
Savings, usually made of people.
"We've identified further efficiencies."
Translation
Redundancies.
Finance82
Right-Sizing
Making the company the correct size by removing people from it.
"We're right-sizing the org."
Translation
Layoffs.
Finance79
Muted growth
A gentle, calming term used to describe a financial performance that has flatlined, designed to prevent panic among investors who prefer their disappointment delivered gradually.
While we faced some regional headwinds, our muted growth reflects the stable nature of our market.
Translation
We did not make any money, and we have no idea how we made it last year either.
Finance78
Net-net
The ultimate, stripped-back bottom line of a financial calculation, used to sound twice as certain as a single 'net' would allow.
"Net-net, if we don't reduce the travel budget by Thursday, we are looking at a very difficult Q4."
Translation
"I have done the maths three times and the result is still depressing."
Finance78
Cost avoidance
The creative financial practice of claiming a saving by deciding not to purchase something you never had the budget for in the first place.
"By choosing not to buy a helicopter fleet this quarter, we've demonstrated significant cost avoidance."
Translation
We didn't spend money we didn't have.
Finance77
Slightly soft
A delicate euphemism employed by executives to describe quarterly revenue figures that resemble a smoking crater.
"Our European margins were slightly soft this quarter due to macroeconomic headwinds."
Translation
We didn't sell a single unit in France.
Finance71
To kitchen-sink
The corporate finance tactic of releasing every single piece of bad news in one devastating announcement, typically deployed by an incoming director to ensure their predecessor takes all the blame.
"Let's kitchen-sink the Q3 results so we can start with a clean slate next year."
Translation
Dump all our failures into today's press release.
Finance54
CapEx
Major capital expenditure that is spread over several financial years to avoid admitting how much money was spent on day one.
"If we classify the office renovation as CapEx, it won't hit our operational budget this quarter."
Translation
"We spent the money, but we are pretending we didn't."
Finance53
Sweating the assets
Squeezing every ounce of utility out of existing machinery, software, or human capital until they experience a total and catastrophic system collapse.
"Rather than hiring a new analyst, we're going to focus on sweating the assets we already have in place."
Translation
"We are going to work you until you cry, because we don't have the budget for a replacement."
Finance52
To stress-test
The practice of running hypothetical, catastrophic market scenarios to prove a portfolio's resilience, usually conducted right before a completely unpredicted crisis renders it useless.
"We ran a comprehensive stress-test on our balance sheet, and we are perfectly safe unless the interest rates change, which they won't."
Translation
Applying mathematical reassurance to a fundamentally unpredictable future.
Finance51
Run the numbers
The act of adjusting spreadsheet inputs repeatedly until the financial forecast matches the CEO's highly optimistic expectations.
"I need you to run the numbers again and see if we can make the Q3 projections look a bit more favourable."
Translation
Keep changing the math until we aren't terrified.
Finance50
Clawback
A polite, retrospective financial penalty where a company retrieves previously paid bonuses because the spectacular performance they rewarded turned out to be a clerical error or a hallucination.
"Following the restatement of the third-quarter earnings, the compensation committee initiated a clawback."
Translation
"We’ve realized we paid you far too much for making a complete mess of things."
Finance47
Material
Large enough that someone will notice.
"It's not material at group level."
Translation
It matters to you, not to us.
Finance40
Wash Its Face
To roughly break even.
"The project just about washes its face."
Translation
It makes no money.
Finance36
Window dressing
The frantic, short-term rearrangement of a company's balance sheet right before a reporting period to give shareholders the comforting illusion of operational efficiency.
"Let's do a bit of light window dressing on our cash positions before we present the Q3 figures."
Translation
"Quickly, delay paying the suppliers until next month so we look solvent."
Finance35
Headwinds
Unfavourable economic conditions invoked by management to explain why they missed their targets, as if they are the only company subject to the laws of meteorology.
"While we faced significant macroeconomic headwinds this quarter, our core fundamentals remain robust."
Translation
"We didn't sell enough, and we hope you blame the Bank of England instead of us."
Finance27
Dry powder
Unallocated cash reserves strategically held back by a firm to capitalize on highly lucrative, opportunistic market fluctuations.
"While we aren't upgrading the office laptops this year, the good news is we have plenty of dry powder to deploy when the right asset comes along."
Translation
We are hoarding money and you are not allowed to spend any of it.
Finance23
De-risk
The strategic process of transferring accountability for a looming disaster to another department or an external vendor.
"We must de-risk our exposure to the legacy database before the next board meeting."
Translation
Ensure we have someone else to blame if this fails.
Drill Down
To examine a topic in more granular detail.
"Let's drill down on Q3."
Translation
Someone is about to be asked a hard question.
Punt
To defer a decision or task to a later date, often to avoid dealing with it now.
"Let's punt that to Q4."
Translation
Next quarter's problem now.