Sales331
Happy ears
The condition of hearing 'we're interested' as a signed contract with a purchase order attached.
"He's got happy ears — that deal's been closing for nine months."
Translation
Optimism as a forecasting methodology.
Section
Sales
Pipeline poetry and quota folklore.
27 entries
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Sales245
Sandbagging
Hiding closed deals from the current quarter so next quarter starts with a hero moment.
"She's sandbagging two contracts into Q4 to protect the number."
Translation
Strategic underpromising.
Sales189
Commit
A forecast category meaning 'definitely happening', historically accurate about 60% of the time.
"It's in commit" — the four most dangerous words on a Monday call.
Translation
A promise made under duress.
Sales167
Land and expand
Sell something small, then live inside the account forever like a well-mannered barnacle.
"Take the 5-seat deal, we'll land and expand into the wider group."
Translation
The discount is a down payment on your budget.
Sales79
Reach Out
To contact somebody, phrased like emotional support.
"I'll reach out to the CFO."
Translation
I will send an email.
Sales77
ICP (Ideal Customer Profile)
A mythical, highly cooperative target client who possesses an infinite budget, an urgent business need, and absolutely no procurement department to ruin the deal.
"This lead doesn't quite fit our ICP, but they seem keen."
Translation
They have zero budget and are just using us for free consulting.
Sales77
On the radar
A vague, metaphorical monitoring zone where potential opportunities are acknowledged just enough to avoid doing any actual work on them.
"That prospective client is definitely on our radar for this quarter."
Translation
We have done absolutely nothing about this.
Sales77
Churn
Customers leaving, renamed so nobody has to say "leaving".
"Churn ticked up slightly this quarter."
Translation
People hated it and cancelled.
Sales72
Low-touch
A customer management model designed to require as little human interaction as possible, ideally reducing the client's contact with the company to zero.
"We are transitioning to a low-touch onboarding process to optimize efficiency."
Translation
Please stop calling us.
Sales68
Move the needle
To achieve an outcome significant enough to register on senior management's radar, usually reserved for targets that are mathematically impossible.
"Sending a weekly newsletter is nice, but we need something that's really going to move the needle."
Translation
"Work harder for the same pay."
Sales66
Decision-maker
A mythical corporate deity who possesses actual spending authority and is perpetually protected by a fortress of administrative assistants.
"We just need to get in front of the key decision-maker to unlock this budget."
Translation
"I have spent three weeks pitching to an intern."
Sales51
Pipeline Hygiene
Deleting deals that were never real.
"Time for some pipeline hygiene."
Translation
Admitting the forecast was fiction.
Sales50
Gatekeeper
The assistant who is politely preventing you from wasting their boss's time.
"I got past the gatekeeper."
Translation
I pestered a receptionist.
Sales49
Whale
A prospective client of legendary scale, whose hypothetical contract is used to justify unreasonable sales targets and whose eventual signing will break the engineering team.
"If we land this public sector whale, we’re all going to Club Med."
Translation
A client so large they will expect us to rewrite our entire product just for them.
Sales48
Multi-threading
The desperate act of badgering multiple contacts at a target client organisation in the hope that at least one of them will accidentally reply.
"I'm multi-threading the account to make sure we have alignment across both IT and procurement."
Translation
"I am spamming five of them now instead of one."
Sales46
Logo acquisition
The process of securing high-profile corporate clients primarily so their trademarks can be printed on a pitch deck, regardless of whether the contract makes any financial sense.
We need some quick logo acquisition in the retail sector to make the deck look respectable.
Translation
We are willing to do this work at a loss if we can put their picture on our website.
Sales38
Leaving money on the table
The catastrophic failure to extract every single available penny from a client during a commercial negotiation.
"If we don't upsell them on the premium support package, we're leaving money on the table."
Translation
We haven't completely exhausted their budget yet.
Sales37
Sales enablement
The creation of highly polished, expensive marketing brochures and decks that the sales team will promptly ignore in favour of using a poorly aligned, Comic Sans PowerPoint slide they designed themselves in 2018.
"I’ve uploaded some fantastic new sales enablement assets to the shared folder."
Translation
"Here are some large PDF files that will never be opened by a customer."
Sales37
Warm lead
A prospective customer who has shown an active interest in your product, typically by failing to close a pop-up window quickly enough.
"I’ve got three warm leads from yesterday's webinar who stayed on the Zoom call for at least forty seconds."
Translation
They haven't blocked our number yet.
Sales30
Value-add
An unspecified, often automated bonus thrown into a proposal to make a standard, overpriced service look like an act of corporate charity.
"Our premium subscription tier includes a quarterly compliance checklist as a complimentary value-add."
Translation
"Here is a PDF we generated three years ago that costs us nothing to send you."
Sales26
To quarterback
To nominally lead a high-stakes business deal from a safe distance, delegating all actual labor to juniors while reserving the right to accept the praise.
"I’ll quarterback the pitch, but I’ll need you to draft the slides, do the modeling, and present the actual proposal."
Translation
"I will say hello at the start of the meeting and take the credit at the end."
Sales21
Discovery call
A preliminary conversation designed to gauge the depth of a prospect's operational pain and, more importantly, the size of their quarterly budget.
"Let's get them on a discovery call to understand their pain points."
Translation
Let's see if they have enough money to be worth our time.
Full Court Press
An all-out, concentrated effort to close a deal or solve a problem.
"Full court press on this account."
Translation
Everyone rings them until they say yes.
Cold Call
An unsolicited sales call or outreach to someone with no prior relationship.
"Fifty cold calls today."
Translation
Being hung up on, professionally.
Client-Facing
Any role or task that involves direct interaction with customers or clients.
"That's client-facing, be careful."
Translation
Do not swear in this document.
Win-Win
An outcome that benefits both parties in a negotiation or deal.
"It's a win-win."
Translation
One of us wins slightly more.
No-Brainer
A decision considered so obviously correct it requires little deliberation.
"It's a no-brainer."
Translation
Please do not think about it too hard.