HR / People421
We're like a family here
A statement about pay, presented as a statement about warmth.
"Base is under market, but we're like a family here."
Translation
The salary is the perk you don't get.
Section
HR / People
Culture decks and 'informal chats'.
55 entries
All HR / People entries
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HR / People344
Informal chat
A meeting with no agenda, two attendees from People and a minute-taker.
"Just a quick informal chat about your Slack messages."
Translation
This is extremely formal.
HR / People267
Culture fit
The criterion applied when a candidate is qualified but somebody didn't like them.
"Strong CV, not quite a culture fit."
Translation
A hunch, formalised.
HR / People212
Restructure
The redrawing of an org chart such that three roles become one role and one person.
"Following the restructure, you'll report into Priya."
Translation
More work, same title.
Heads-up
A polite, preemptive warning that you are about to be given a significant amount of additional work with absolutely no extra compensation.
"Just a quick heads-up, the regional director wants us to completely redo the performance reviews by Friday."
Translation
Brace yourself for a miserable week.
Golden handcuffs
A financial incentive scheme designed to discourage valued employees from leaving, typically by vesting stock options at a rate that makes resignation feel like financial self-sabotage.
"I’d love to join your yurt-dwelling cooperative, Giles, but my golden handcuffs don't unlock until 2027."
Translation
I am being paid too much to have principles.
Talent pipelining
The practice of interviewing external candidates for hypothetical vacancies, ensuring a ready supply of eager applicants should a current employee unexpectedly choose freedom.
We aren't hiring today, but we’re talent pipelining to keep our options open for Q4.
Translation
We are wasting your afternoon to build a database of people we might call in nine months.
Quiet quitting
The rebellious practice of performing only the duties specified in one’s contract, during the exact hours for which one is paid.
"We suspect Nigel is quiet quitting; he turned his laptop off at 5:01 PM on a Friday."
Translation
"An employee has established boundaries and we do not know how to handle it."
Garden leave
The mandatory period of paid idleness imposed upon departing employees to prevent them from sharing secrets or doing any actual work.
"Since Sarah resigned to join our competitor, she'll be on garden leave until October."
Translation
We are paying you to watch daytime television so you don't steal our clients.
Managed out
A strategic HR framework designed to assist an employee in realizing that their personal career aspirations lie entirely outside of the organization.
"After reviewing his performance, we feel Julian would be best served by being managed out over the next quarter."
Translation
We are going to make your life sufficiently miserable until you resign of your own accord.
Quiet firing
The strategic withdrawal of career development, feedback, and interesting assignments in the hope that an employee will eventually take the hint and resign.
We’ve decided to help Dave transition naturally by moving his desk to the basement and removing him from the Friday lunch order.
Translation
We lack the courage to dismiss you, so we are going to ignore you until you leave.
Optics
How something looks, valued above how it is.
"The optics on that are terrible."
Translation
It is true but embarrassing.
Core hours
A theoretically flexible working window during which employees must be contactable, which inexplicably expands to cover their entire waking lives.
"Our core hours are ten to four, but most of the team finds it easier to stay until seven."
Translation
"If you leave at 4:00 PM, people will assume you have resigned."
Natural attrition
The passive strategy of not replacing staff who resign, thereby slowly doubling the workload of those who remain until they also quit.
"We aren't planning redundancies; we are managing headcount through natural attrition."
Translation
We are going to run this department on hope and fumes.
Proactive
Doing work before being asked, and being judged for not doing it sooner.
"Be more proactive with stakeholders."
Translation
Read my mind.
Future-proof
The optimistic practice of designing an organizational structure for the next decade, which will inevitably be abandoned during the next quarterly restructure.
"We need to future-proof our talent strategy by hiring exclusively for roles that do not yet exist."
Translation
"We are making a wild guess and hoping for the best."
Career conversation
A formal discussion regarding an employee's professional aspirations, designed to gently break the news that their next promotion will consist of additional responsibilities without additional pay.
"I'd love to schedule a career conversation next week to talk about your trajectory here."
Translation
Prepare to accept a grander job title instead of a pay rise.
360 feedback
An annual exercise in corporate diplomacy where employees are invited to constructively criticise their managers, whilst acutely aware that their managers approve their bonuses.
"I'd really value some 360 feedback on my leadership style during the last restructuring."
Translation
An opportunity to tell your boss they are wonderful in three different ways.
Warm body
An employee whose primary and most valued contribution to the company is possessing a detectable pulse and occupying a physical desk.
"We don't need a subject matter expert for the client steering committee, we just need a warm body to make us look fully staffed."
Translation
A placeholder human used to fill a seat.
Upskilling
The process of training an employee to perform additional, highly technical duties, carefully executed without any corresponding adjustment to their salary.
"We are launching a major upskilling drive this quarter to turn our copywriters into data analysts."
Translation
"We have decided to give you two jobs for the price of one."
Ghost job
An active, beautifully written advertisement for a vacant role that a company has no intention of ever filling, maintained primarily to reassure exhausted staff that help is on the way.
"We have kept that Senior Analyst ghost job open since 2022; it really does wonders for team morale."
Translation
"You will be doing the work of three people for the foreseeable future."
Bring your whole self to work
An invitation to express your unique personality at the office, provided that personality is highly compliant, ceaselessly cheerful, and entirely focused on quarterly targets.
"We really encourage everyone here to bring their whole self to work."
Translation
"Please do not mention your existential dread during the Monday morning stand-up."
Growth Mindset
A willingness to absorb extra work as personal development.
"We're looking for a growth mindset."
Translation
Please accept more duties.
To transition out
A delicate euphemism for terminating someone's employment, designed to make a sudden firing sound like a mutually agreed evolutionary step.
"Following the Q3 review, we’ve decided to help Marcus transition out of the business."
Translation
Marcus is currently crying into a cardboard box in the car park.
Flight risk
An employee who has committed the ultimate corporate betrayal of realizing their actual market value and updating their LinkedIn profile.
"We need to offer Sarah a stretch opportunity; she's currently flagged as a flight risk."
Translation
"She has started wearing a smart shirt to her 'medical appointments'."
Offboarding
The polite, highly administrative process of revoking an employee's IT permissions before they have a chance to tell everyone what they actually think.
"Let's make sure we schedule the offboarding interview for Friday afternoon."
Translation
"Please hand over your pass and leave before you upset the juniors."
Stretch opportunity
A developmental task designed to expand your capabilities, usually by requiring you to perform a senior role's duties without the corresponding pay increase.
"We think leading the global software integration alongside your daily admin duties would be a fantastic stretch opportunity for you, Sarah."
Translation
Please do two jobs for the price of one.
Career progression framework
A complex grid of abstract competencies designed to ensure that no matter how hard you work, you are always one subjective milestone away from a promotion.
"According to the career progression framework, you are demonstrating great execution, but you need to show more holistic strategic influence before we can discuss a salary review."
Translation
There is no budget for your raise.
Resource
A cold, inanimate noun used to describe a human being with feelings, hobbies, and a mortgage, thereby making their sudden redundancy feel more like turning off a photocopier.
"We need to secure three additional resources for the Q3 database migration."
Translation
"I need three warm bodies who won't complain about working over the weekend."
Outplacement support
A consolatory suite of CV workshops and LinkedIn tutorials designed to rebrand the sudden loss of one's livelihood as a thrilling personal voyage.
We are offering full outplacement support to ensure those affected find their next exciting challenge.
Translation
We have laid you off, but we have purchased you a Zoom call with a career coach to ease our collective conscience.
Ways of working
A collaborative euphemism for the arbitrary and often conflicting rules dictating how employees must interact, usually introduced to fix a problem that did not previously exist.
"We need to align on our new ways of working before the hybrid policy goes live next month."
Translation
"Here is a new list of things you are apparently doing wrong."
Constructive feedback
A polite linguistic delivery mechanism used to highlight your professional shortcomings without triggering a formal grievance.
"I have some constructive feedback on how you handled the Q&A session."
Translation
You got flustered and made us look foolish.
Performance improvement plan
A highly structured, administrative waiting room designed to compile the necessary paperwork before an employee is politely shown the door.
"We are going to support Nigel with a performance improvement plan over the next thirty days."
Translation
"Nigel, you should probably start looking for a new job by lunchtime."
Bio-break
A highly clinical euphemism for using the lavatory, designed to make a basic biological necessity sound like a scheduled system maintenance window.
"Let's take a quick five-minute bio-break before we review the performance metrics."
Translation
"I need to use the toilet immediately."
Internal mobility
The practice of moving an underperforming employee to a completely different department in the hope that a change of scenery might cure their profound disillusionment.
"We see a real opportunity for your internal mobility, perhaps moving from Client Relations to Archive Retrieval."
Translation
We don't want to pay you redundancy, but we would quite like you to work in the basement.
Talent pool
A theoretical reservoir of overqualified job seekers kept on file for roles that do not currently exist and may never be funded.
"We don't have an opening right now, but we'll certainly keep your details in our talent pool."
Translation
We are archiving your CV in a digital void.
Drop A Note
To send an email while making it sound casual and harmless.
"I'll drop a note to your manager."
Translation
This is now on record.
To performance manage
The bureaucratic process of meticulously documenting an employee’s minor slip-ups to ensure the company is legally bulletproof when they are finally shown the door.
We've decided it's time to performance manage Gerald to help him realign with our expectations.
Translation
We are currently building a paper trail so we can fire you without being sued.
Double-hatting
The practice of assigning an employee two distinct, full-time roles while keeping their compensation strictly singular.
"Since Sarah left, we'll need you to double-hat as both Head of Strategy and Office Facilities Manager."
Translation
You are now doing two jobs for the price of one.
Span of control
The maximum number of direct reports a manager can supervise before they entirely stop remembering their names, career aspirations, or what it is they actually do.
"We need to widen Sarah's span of control to optimize our middle management layer."
Translation
We are giving Sarah twice as many people to look after and zero extra pay.
Stay interview
A preemptive HR intervention designed to discover why an employee has not yet resigned, typically scheduled when the company's Glassdoor rating begins to resemble a winter temperature.
"We’ve scheduled a stay interview for Tuesday to discuss what keeps you motivated here."
Translation
"Please don't leave, we don't have the budget to recruit your replacement."
Self-starter
A highly prized job candidate who is expected to figure out how to do their job entirely without training, guidance, or functioning IT equipment.
"We are looking for a self-starter to revitalise our legacy database systems."
Translation
"We have no onboarding process and your manager is permanently signed off with stress."
Discretionary effort
The theoretical surplus of labor an employee contributes out of sheer goodwill, entirely detached from any corresponding increase in salary.
"We are hoping to drive discretionary effort during the upcoming office relocation."
Translation
Please do two hours of unpaid overtime every night.
Calibration meeting
A secretive gathering where managers negotiate the downgrading of employee performance scores to ensure the department does not exceed its pre-allocated bonus budget.
"We just need to run these performance reviews through a quick calibration meeting with HR."
Translation
Prepare to be graded on a curve that has been flattened by finance.
Radical candor
A modern management philosophy that repackages blunt insensitivity as a generous contribution to a colleague's personal growth.
"In the spirit of radical candor, I don't think you're ready for this promotion."
Translation
I am going to be quite rude now, but you aren't allowed to get upset.
Individual contributor
A corporate title designed to make a solitary employee feel like a highly valued specialist, whilst subtly indicating they have no authority, no team, and nobody to share the blame with.
"As an individual contributor, you’ll have complete ownership of this entire global launch."
Translation
"You are doing the work of five people, on your own, for one salary."
Heads-down
The tactical adoption of extreme focus to avoid eye contact and stave off any spontaneous, unassigned tasks.
I will be heads-down on the Q3 spreadsheets for the rest of the afternoon.
Translation
Do not speak to me under any circumstances.
Quiet hiring
The strategic practice of assigning a departed employee’s entire workload to a remaining staff member, without the inconvenience of a promotion or pay raise.
"Through quiet hiring, we’re giving Sarah the opportunity to stretch her capabilities into operations."
Translation
"We fired the operations manager and Sarah now has two jobs."
Hit the Ground Running
To start a new role or project productively, with little ramp-up time.
"You'll hit the ground running."
Translation
There is no handover and no training.
Herding Cats
Trying to coordinate a group of people who are difficult to align or organise.
"Scheduling this is herding cats."
Translation
Nobody replies to my calendar invites.
Face Time
In-person time with colleagues or leadership, sometimes valued more for visibility than productivity.
"He gets a lot of face time."
Translation
Being seen matters more than the work.
Come to Jesus Meeting
A blunt, often overdue conversation about a serious performance or behaviour problem.
"We need a come to Jesus meeting."
Translation
The bit HR should have done months ago.
Buy-In
Genuine support and agreement from the people needed to make something happen.
"We need exec buy-in first."
Translation
Someone senior must be blamed alongside me.
As Per My Last Email
A polite-sounding phrase used to point out that you already answered this.
"As per my last email, the deadline is Friday."
Translation
You did not read it. I am cross.
Onboarding
The process of integrating a new employee into a company, covering training, access, and orientation.
"Onboarding takes two weeks."
Translation
Three logins arrive and four do not.