A highly prized job candidate who is expected to figure out how to do their job entirely without training, guidance, or functioning IT equipment.
What they actually mean
"We have no onboarding process and your manager is permanently signed off with stress."
Heard in the wild
"We are looking for a self-starter to revitalise our legacy database systems."
A theoretically flexible working window during which employees must be contactable, which inexplicably expands to cover their entire waking lives.
"Our core hours are ten to four, but most of the team finds it easier to stay until seven."
Translation
"If you leave at 4:00 PM, people will assume you have resigned."
The bureaucratic process of meticulously documenting an employee’s minor slip-ups to ensure the company is legally bulletproof when they are finally shown the door.
We've decided it's time to performance manage Gerald to help him realign with our expectations.
Translation
We are currently building a paper trail so we can fire you without being sued.
The strategic withdrawal of career development, feedback, and interesting assignments in the hope that an employee will eventually take the hint and resign.
We’ve decided to help Dave transition naturally by moving his desk to the basement and removing him from the Friday lunch order.
Translation
We lack the courage to dismiss you, so we are going to ignore you until you leave.