An exercise in creative writing where an employee must describe their minor accomplishments with the enthusiasm of a Victorian explorer.
What they actually mean
Please tell us why you deserve to keep your desk.
Heard in the wild
"I’ve spent the morning working on my self-appraisal, trying to make 'sorting the stationery cupboard' sound like a masterclass in resource optimisation."
The quiet, deep-seated exhaustion felt by a workforce that has endured too many corporate rebrands, new software rollouts, and executive transitions to care about the next one.
"There is a bit of change fatigue in the department, so we must be careful how we frame the new time-tracking software."
Translation
"The staff are tired of our ideas and might mutiny if we make them use another app."
An acronym for 'Full-Time Equivalent' used to discuss staffing requirements while successfully avoiding the uncomfortable reality that employees are actual human beings.
"We have the budget for 2.4 FTEs to support the launch, so we need to allocate resources carefully."
Translation
"Two people who will work late, and a third who will be permanently stressed."
A theoretically flexible working window during which employees must be contactable, which inexplicably expands to cover their entire waking lives.
"Our core hours are ten to four, but most of the team finds it easier to stay until seven."
Translation
"If you leave at 4:00 PM, people will assume you have resigned."