Startups·48·Added 2026-08-13

Unicorn

A privately held startup valued at over one billion dollars, celebrated for its revolutionary ability to burn through vast quantities of venture capital without the distraction of making a profit.

What they actually mean

A very expensive horse with a cardboard horn taped to its head.

Heard in the wild

"If we can just secure this next round, we're well on our way to becoming the next European unicorn."

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Running lean

A euphemism for being drastically understaffed and poorly funded, successfully rebranded as an admirable display of agile discipline.

"We're running lean ahead of our Series A, so everyone is pitching in on customer support."

Translation

"We can't afford to pay you overtime, but we do have a ping-pong table."

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Pre-seed

A highly optimistic funding stage where an enterprise consists of nothing more than an ambitious slide deck, a shared workspace subscription, and a mountain of personal debt.

We are currently raising our pre-seed round to help us build the minimum viable prototype.

Translation

We have no product, no customers, and very little time before the rent is due.

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Key-person dependency

A precarious structural vulnerability wherein an entire business model relies entirely on a single employee who is the only one who knows how the legacy spreadsheet works.

We have a slight key-person dependency on Barnaby, who is currently on a three-week tech detox in the Andes.

Translation

If Barnaby gets hit by a bus, we will have to wind up the company.

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